PRODUCT 1: "JORTS for your HEAD" Basically, these are jorts that you can wear on your head. They're super special jorts, that you can't get anywhere else. For just $1000, you can have a pair of these jorts to wear on your head.
PRODUCT 2: "Ghost Vision Goggles" For just $55, you can see ghosts! Or buy three pairs for a special discounted price of $200! Wow!
QUALIFICATIONS You know that I'm qualified to sell products because I've got a PhD in Bassoon from the Jacobs School of Music at Indiana University Bloomington (go Hoosiers), and I've had 7 years of experience as a Senior Concrete Eater at the FBI (Fucking Baller Industry). So basically I am very smart and you should buy my things.